I caved.
I stood on the scale this morning and did all of my measurements. Yeah yeah, I know I was going to wait until day 30 - blah blah blah. I decided I wanted to know, TODAY, where I stand.
Plus, next Saturday morning (official day 30) is going to be a bitch of a morning for me, so I thought it couldn't hurt to do something today and see where things are actually at.
Officially I started at 50% body fat. 230 pounds and overall measurements came in at a total of 415.063 inches. Yes, I am Canadian and yes, I am doing this in inches and pounds. 415.063 inches is scary - the centimetre number is 1054.26 CM - that's HORRIFYING to me. Yes, I know it is exactly the same but still...
Today I measured at 47% - that's a 3% overall loss.
Today I weighted in at 215.5 pounds - a 14.5 pound loss.
Today I measured in at 378.750 inches - a 36.313 inch loss. That's a little over three FEET of inches lost.
I have also been giving more thought to the question of what is my "why" a hard question, for me, to answer truthfully. You want to know why?
Looking back at pictures of my younger self - my self of 20 years ago... I was gorgeous. I was confident and I was FULL of piss and vinegar. I was vibrant and I had a damn good idea of my place in the world. Where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there. Somewhere along the way she lost confidence. She got smacked around by love a couple of times - quite badly - and she started to feel she wasn't worth it - she wasn't good enough and she never would be good enough. So she made friends with chocolate cake, cookies, chips and candy. The never left her, they never made her feel like she wasn't *enough* and they NEVER cheated on her.
I wish I had a time machine - that I could go back and put my arms around her and tell her that this is not all there is - that there is so much joy to be had and to PLEASE not give up on herself, on love or on any of her REAL dreams.
I have no time machine. I can't do that. And quite frankly, she was (OK, still is) a damn stubborn rock-headed twit sometimes, and probably wouldn't have listened to me anyhow. God knows, she didn't listen to other people who tried to tell her that "this isn't all there is!!"
So here is is. Here is my why - all laid out, fat and naked on the kitchen floor.
I want to be the woman who stands up front and laughs in pictures - not the one I am - the one who tries to hide behind pets, children, objects and other people.
I want to be able to go for a long walk, or a long bike ride with other people without being scared I am holding people up (or worse, scared they can hear me huffing and puffing while I TRY and keep up.)
I want to be the woman who walks into a room and feels confident that people see me for the person I AM, not the weight I am carrying around with me - and all of the things that that weight means.
I want to go out there and DANCE, damn it - not to stay home and just wish I was out dancing.
I am so much more than this. I am so much better than this. Its time for me to stand up and prove to ME that I am worth it, that I am special, that I am all of the things that I hope I am and think I could be.
This is my "why" The "why" I have had so much trouble admitting to. The "why" I have spent so much time and energy being scared that maybe I wasn't worth, or deserving of. The "why" that I am tired of trying to hide.
Admitting to it is scary as hell, but surprisingly, not as painful as I thought it might be.
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